


To John

by huvudrollen



Series: Notebook verse [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Diary/Journal, Drugs, Letters, Multi, Reichenbach Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-19 16:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 8,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1476163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huvudrollen/pseuds/huvudrollen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mrs Hudson and John has to go through Sherlocks things after his death. John finds a journal in Sherlocks closet. The first page says "To John". But he doesn't want to read. Because if he does he will never be able to stop. But he starts reading</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It was weird standing in the flat without him.  
It was quiet.  
There was no gunshots in the night.   
No body parts in the fridge or other weird places.  
No violin music in the dead of the night.  
It was always sad music.   
Were you sad Sherlock ?   
Should we have known something that we didn’t know ?   
I always questioned myself for why you did it. Why did you leave me here alone   
I had often trouble breathing when i thought about it.   
Sherlock help me!  
Save me! 

We were going through his things.   
We had been doing through them the past 3 months.   
It often ended with me breaking down in tears  
Me and Mrs hudson was doing this  
This thing that no one else wanted to do  
Mycroft had been helping   
Or if you could call it helping   
He came one day when we were working.   
”Oh Mycroft dear do you want some tea ?” asked Mrs hudson  
He had nodded a no.   
He went flying in to Sherlocks bedroom.   
In to the wardrobe where he came out with a little bee plushie.   
I had never seen that before!   
Probably it was something from their childhood  
I didn’t dare to ask 

Three months   
Four days   
I was finally almost done with the wardrobe.   
It was painful  
Cause everything smelled like him  
I remember his smell still   
But one day i wont   
One day it all will fade away.   
One day we all will die   
Will i meet you there Sherlock ?   
Will we finally reunite in heaven ?   
Will you say ”Finally you are here”   
Will you be talking to me as if i never left.   
Or as if you never left me

It was laying under a pair of shoes  
It was there for me to find  
You knew that i would find it  
Cause otherwise you wouldn’t have put it there Sherlock  
You were smart   
I admired you

It was a notebook  
It had been going through a hard life by the look on it.   
Some of the pages was burnt.   
It had stains of something on them  
But it was still readable   
Was this yours ?   
I opened the book   
To John stood with your handwriting on the first page.   
I don’t want to read   
Cause if i do i will never be able to stop   
But i open it  
And i start reading


	2. October 10 2010

October 10 2010   
I was never a person for closeness.   
I will always remember and smile at the memory of the things that happened   
between the 29th and 30th January.   
I hope you remember that too.   
Cause those two days was important to our relationship.   
When you shot that cabbie.   
Without even hesitating!  
I always knew that it was you John.  
Cause it was like a light that lit inside me!.  
I have to write these feelings down instead of talking about it.   
Cause i know that you aren’t a person that ever could feel this for me.   
Is it because of my gender ?   
Would you have been able to love me if i was a woman ?   
Cause i would do anything for you John.   
We have had many almost kisses.   
The adrenaline rushes after a good chase!   
You and me against the rest of the world!  
I know that no woman could give you that John.   
You can get that from me...   
I have talked about his with Molly.  
She knows   
She said that i should wait for the right moment.   
But the right moment never comes.   
I always chickens out   
Cause my self esteem is at its lowest now  
And i just feel so bad inside  
Cause nobody has been able to climb the tall walls that surround me  
Nobody has gotten under the armor that i have on all the time.   
Only You   
You do things to me John....  
John


	3. October 23 2010

October 23 2010 

I love when we go out for dinner   
We both know that these dinners are just subtexts for dates  
But nothing happens physically   
You dont kiss me at the end of the night   
We don’t end up making out on the couch   
It doesn’t go further   
I always imagine how it would be   
The sensation of kissing you   
Molly and i tried it out on each other   
I only did that cause then it is easy manipulating her   
She always ends up all giggly and happy   
As if i was a drug for her   
”You are a good kisser Sherlock but maybe less tongue ?”   
She then giggles away until we kiss again  
Mycroft had a boyfriend in university   
Greg had also a boyfriend   
They dated each other and that is the reason we never see them in the same room   
I know also that they meet some nights in Greg’s flat   
And why am i telling you this ?   
I know that this will be useful information for you John   
Use it well


	4. November 01 2010

November 01 2010 

It always hurts seeing you with those woman   
Those woman with wavy hair   
And charming smiles   
They are all hoping that you will choose them   
They cant give you what i can!   
If you choose the beauty over the chase   
I already know who you will choose   
Because you will never love me   
You are dating a writer now.   
Her name is Hannah and you two have much in common   
You are sitting on the couch and whispering sweet nothings to each other   
”Oh don’t worry about my flat mate he wont care”   
As if your dates would give a damn about me   
I am thinking of calling lestrade and making him fake a drug bust   
Just so that woman will leave my flat!   
Because it feels like my heart gets ripped out and stabbed when i see you two   
Everyone is assuming that we are a couple   
But you always say the say thing   
”I am not Gay!”   
As if it would jump up and bite you  
I have often managed to scare many of your dates away  
When it gets to painful   
Cause i need you John   
I have been clean now since we solved our first case   
A study in pink   
I put the last syringe in my arm two days before we met   
Because we complete each other   
We are two broken down men who met   
And we helped each other   
You will never understand


	5. November 26 2010

November 26 2010 

I often hurt my self under cases   
I often do it with purpose   
Because then you will heal me   
We were on a case yesterday   
We were hunting a killer who killed with sai swords   
He took me.   
He was holding me down on the floor and cutting me with a them.   
It hurt   
But i had sacrificed myself   
Cause if i hadn’t you would have been here now   
I got blood everywhere   
I will probably have scars   
You came in looking so bad ass   
You shot the killer on the spot.  
My hero   
You took me to the flat where you healed me.   
Your hands on my naked skin.   
I often have to control these thoughts   
Those thought are coming more often in my head now.   
You are very focused when you are doing the healing   
I will maybe never say that to you   
I wanted to kiss you so bad  
I know you wanted it to   
Your pulse was high   
Do you feel the same way as i do ?  
You never noticed how much i was studying you   
Often from distance   
But now i could study you from a short distance   
Lestrade had been furious when he heard of the danger i had put myself in   
But he is dating Mycroft   
Why wouldn’t he care ?   
Greg understood why you killed the man who was killing me   
Cause it is everyones problem that you are homicidal!   
No just kidding   
You are perfect as you are John   
With your jumpers and your hedgehog way to be   
I will never give you compliments like this John   
Cause i maybe never will be able to say it to you   
You will never know John


	6. November 29 2010

November 29 2010 

I invited Greg and Mycroft over for dinner   
You were in Dublin visiting your family   
I were always sad when you were away  
I often spent the time thinking about you   
I was so alone without you   
As alone as i was before   
I am happy for my brother   
He has found love   
And he is happy for the first time since Greg left him  
Left to get married  
I remember that things changed   
Mycroft got more and more unhappy   
He yelled at me a lot   
But i was only 15   
I was a pain in the ass   
But i understood that it wasn’t Mycroft who was screaming at me   
It was his broken heart   
I didn’t say anything to them that night  
Even if i could deduce everything on them   
Cause i know how my brother felt   
But this is unhappy love   
Unanswered love   
Why did i fall in love with you John ?   
All those jumpers that went missing was me   
I sleep with one of your jumpers   
The white one   
Made of wool from cheeps in Holland   
It has your smells   
It smells John   
The smell that is a mixture of tea and your shampoo   
I cry myself to sleep   
Having my heart beating non stop   
Why does this hurt so much ?  
Why


	7. December 05 2010

December 05 2010 

I love to sing   
It is a talent that nobody will eve know  
Sometimes i sing when i play the violin   
Just high notes   
I always think about you when i play the violin   
Often you sit and watch me   
You take a sip from your tea   
And just watch me   
I know how much you adore me   
You see how i almost dance around in the living room   
Playing the violin   
With closed eyes   
Cause in my imagination   
You sit up from your chair   
And you take the violin out of my hand   
And you kiss me   
But that has never happened   
I dream of you often   
It is often sad things   
I dont know why i am thinking about it   
But you always die in my dreams   
You die   
And it is my fault   
”You are dangerous for him-you will kill him”   
It is aways the same voice in my head   
In all dreams   
I know who it is   
My enemy   
Morarity   
But he aren’t my real enemy   
The real enemy is me   
Me


	8. December 17 2010

December 17 2010 

You are dating a new woman   
Her name is Tina   
She is a teacher at a school   
I know that it is serious between you two   
You are thinking of marriage   
You have bought a ring   
It is a gold band with small diamond on the sides   
She will like it   
But she hates me   
Will you move ?   
Of course you will   
I will be alone again   
I will be dying again   
Cause it feels lie i am bleeding to death   
Without you   
I went to Molly   
Cause i have been alone now for a week   
You have been camping i her house   
Maybe i missed it   
The fact that you moved   
I feel so alone   
I cried in front of Molly   
She hugged me   
We ordered pizza   
”Pizza solves everything”   
That is Molly Ann Hoopers Motto   
She is my other best friend now   
Even if i hated her before   
We ate pizza and watched crappy love movies   
I cried a lot   
Molly let me cry   
”Everyone has to cry sometimes”   
Then she started to cry too   
We both are worth someone   
We drank beer and smoked cigarets   
Molly is a good friend   
I am glad that i have her   
And not you   
Cause you are gone   
And i will never maybe see you again


	9. December 23 2010

December 23 2010 

I think you have to know this   
Even if that part of my life was the most hurtful   
And painful   
And laid the basics to how i feel today   
I moved to Paris at the age of 18   
I was tired of Mycroft and everything   
I met this artist named Jean   
He was french and everything i never was   
He fell in love with me   
He told me i was beautiful   
He loved to draw me   
He used me  
In a way that hurts to think back about   
He got me into drugs   
And since then it was impossible to stop   
But i was so madly in love with him  
And nobody had loved me back before   
But now i understand that he just wanted me for the sex   
I dont know if you will still look at me in the same way if i told you   
That look you give me that is filled with lust and admire   
Cause you are the best i could get   
And we are shaped for eachother like two puzzle pieces   
That is why it hurts   
To know that you will propose to that woman in two days   
You will leave me alone   
And i will never be the same again


	10. December 30 2010

December 30 2010 

I was hospitalized for a few days   
You proposed to her   
I took an overdose   
It hurts   
Mycroft have been visiting a lot   
The both of you are disappointed in me   
But Mycroft understands   
He has given me some case about a Irene Adler   
He told me that it would be good for me   
Cause then my mind could work   
And i wouldn’t feel the pain   
I don’t dare to ask if she said yes to you   
Cause who wouldn’t ?   
I would if i could   
I would deduce that you were proposing before you even were doing it   
I would say yes and kiss you   
Mycroft brought the notebook   
He know how much i value it   
I wish that you could care more   
I wish that you would cuddle me   
And tell me that it would be alright   
We would kiss   
But my reality isn’t so happy   
My reality is full of pain and dying


	11. January 13 2011

January 13 2011 

I tell myself that i should move on   
I haven’t talked to you for days   
I have been camping out at Molly’s house   
We have been eating unhealthy food for days   
I haven’t solved a case for weeks   
Because all my focus is on you John   
Molly says that i should talk to you   
But i don’t want to   
You have been calling   
You were worried   
You thought i was in danger   
Molly told you that i needed space   
I need a case   
I need to chase criminals over London with you   
I miss you John.   
It feels good to have some space   
I get to spend time with Molly   
She is fun to be with   
And she is so understanding   
We are both two misunderstood and lonely creatures


	12. January 20 2011

January 20 2011 

Mycroft told me that you weren’t engaged   
She had said no because she was already married   
I packed my things and came back to Baker street   
You were sad   
I told you that you were worth someone better   
And i meant that you could have me   
Maybe you understood that   
Cause you smiled at me   
And then you kissed me   
I got aroused   
I even felt happy for a moment   
It wasn’t as i imagined   
It was sloppy and angry   
I later on understood why   
You took me to bed   
And we made love on the bed   
A part of me stopped dying   
It felt great   
And then the sounds we made when we hit our orgasms!   
That was just amazing   
The sad thing that when i woke up   
You werent there   
I found the bottles of alcohol you had been drinking before i came   
You were to drunk to remember anything that happened   
You didnt remember how happy i felt   
How it all was like a fantasy   
I searched the flat for a sign that you even were there   
A note was on the fridge   
I will be back soon i am at tesco   
I broke down crying   
It would have hurt less if it was just a fantasy


	13. January 30th 2011

January 30th 2011 

Everything went back to what it used to be   
I had to hold a poker face   
Because you didn’t remember what had a happened   
It all was a blur to you   
And when i had asked  
You said that you must have dozed of in my bed   
I agreed that it was the thing that happened   
It felt like a knew a secret that no one else knew  
Life went on   
We began a new case   
It was a locked room murder   
It helped me think of something else   
I felt so depressed at some moments   
We solved many cases together   
You were always happy   
You made me feel warm inside   
Because it was always darkness and ice inside me now   
I could live like this forever   
No   
Feeling his dying isn’t good   
I wish you remembered what happened that night   
Because it is eating me from the inside   
You are like a drug   
No you are better then all the opium and cigarettes in the world   
You are both killing me and making me feel alive   
You are my choice of drug


	14. February 05 2011

February 05 2011 

I often compose music   
I love to hold my stradivarius and let my mind do the music   
I don’t know if you have figured out how   
My music mirrors what i think   
Sometimes i go to a music store that sells notes   
I often buy Tjajkovskij   
He has done many master pieces   
I remember listening to them as a child   
It always made me feel better   
And now i don’t feel good at all   
You are working much at the hospital   
Everyone there adores you   
And a nurse named Mary Mortsan has her eyes up for you   
She is very pretty   
You could have her  
You don’t have to stick around   
But you do cause you are afraid that i will kill myself   
Maybe i will   
Morarity and his men is the least of my troubles   
Gay marriage will maybe soon be legalized in England   
I know that both Greg and Mycroft knows about it   
And Greg has bought a ring   
He is planning to propose soon   
I am happy for my brother   
For the first time in my life!  
But i should be happy   
He is the only family i have left   
And he will get everything i will never get from you


	15. February 15th 2011

February 15th 2011 

You are in Dublin again   
Your mother is in the hospital   
I understand why you had to go   
You asked me if i would be all right for a couple of days   
No i wouldn’t   
But i smiled and told you that i would   
I had been hoping that you would ask me to follow   
But you did not   
Molly was here making sure i eat   
Mycroft was here to   
He had a ring on his finger   
You have a good taste Greg!   
A silver band with rubies at the sides   
I asked Mycroft about it   
And he told me   
He understood that i had figured out long ago   
We talked and had a nice conversation   
Until he dropped the bomb   
”I know what you feel for John”   
He knew about everything   
Mycroft told me that i should go to a therapist   
But we both know that it wouldn’t work for me   
I was a different case   
I had been visiting many therapists when i was little   
Cause i have Aspergers   
Before he walked out of the flat he hugged me   
”Mummy would have been proud of you brother dear”   
Maybe she would   
Mummy loved both of us   
Our dad had died when i was young   
He got killed   
Just because he got himself into information that he shouldn’t know   
Mycroft was the good boy in Mummy’s eyes   
And i was the one who was a little more difficult   
But she loved us both   
She died of cancer two years before we met   
She probably knew everything about me   
”I am proud of you Sherlock-find a good man to be with that is worthy someone like you”   
That is the last words she said to me   
And i still hear them in my head when i close my eyes


	16. February 28th 2011

February 28th 2011 

I am a person that likes pain   
I enjoy it   
When i have sex i often ask my partner to bite me   
It makes it all feel more dangerous   
Makes me enjoy it more   
But that is physical pain   
Pain that can be seen on the outside   
This pain that i feel everyday   
That is psychic   
Molly followed me to a therapist   
She said that she could learn something from it   
She is such a good friend   
I talked to the therapist   
It was a man   
He was cute   
But not you   
Molly said that her gay radar showed that he was gay   
She said that i should go for him   
It would be good to move on   
I talked and talked to the therapist   
I criticized his office   
Told him how ugly it was   
But i think i made a good impression   
He asked me out to go and take a drink sometime   
I said yes   
I am moving on now John   
But i will never leave you


	17. March 02 2011

March 02 2011 

My first was Jean in Paris   
My second was you   
And my third is this therapist  
The date went well   
We had a good time   
I remember in high school when Sex was the big thing   
Everyone felt that they had to do it before they started college   
But then there was me   
We went home to baker street   
The sex was good   
But my mind just trailed of   
To that night   
When we did it   
When my most best fantasies of the perfect life   
Got real   
I am now sitting at the roof at St. barts   
When i look down from here   
I see how easy it would be to end it all  
But what would happen with you ?   
But this is all your fault   
You with your beautiful way to be   
You caused me all this pain   
No  
Why am i so stupid ?


	18. March 14th 2011

March 14th 2011 

When i have nothing to do   
When playing violin is to depressing   
And when we have no case   
I cook and bake   
Often because i know that you will be impressed   
That makes me feel a little warmer inside   
I am baking a cake   
It isn’t anyones birthday   
I just do it   
Cause i have already done every recipe in the recipe book   
I know someone who loves cake   
Not you but my brother   
Maybe i should call him over   
Just to be nice   
And i want details over the wedding   
I finish the last details   
I put raspberries on the top   
Raspberries has always been my favorite berry   
Chocolate and raspberries are a good combination   
Every flavor and food is a combination of things   
You have to experiment to find the right one   
I look at my masterpiece   
You will be impressed   
But that depends on how long this cake will last   
Cause it will maybe be eaten when you come home   
Cause we both now how much my brother loves cake


	19. March 19th 2011

March 19th 2011 

Mycroft and Greg have their wedding tomorrow   
It will only be a small celebration where they sign the papers and we all go on a dinner   
We are invited   
Only we are invited   
I am nervous   
We are sitting and watching crap telly   
You always laugh about how i am criticizing everything that we watch   
I know that you love doctor who   
That is a show i will never understand   
Cause it all is unrealistic   
How could a blue telephone box be bigger on the inside ?   
It makes no sense!   
But you still love the show   
You are like a child on christmas when i let you watch it   
Think you get happy from that   
And i get happy of murders   
Cause i am a bloody psychopath!   
No sociopath is the right word   
We are watching now a show called the real housewives of beverly hills   
You enjoy it   
But you enjoy mostly everything   
Well you love mostly everything except me


	20. March 25th 2011

March 25th 

The wedding was lovely   
I got moved to tears when my brother and Greg were pronounced Husbands   
I got moved   
I have feelings   
Even if i mostly doesn’t show them   
You were lovely too   
You had that Tuxedo that you look so handsome in   
I bought it for you after i managed to set your old one on fire   
I choose it carefully because this is the tuxedo that you may have in my dream wedding   
I will never get married   
I only want to marry you   
I don’t know if i will ever be able to love someone that isn’t you   
My heart and mind is too devoted in loving you   
We went to a bar afterwards   
It wasn’t anything fancy just a bar   
You and Greg were talking loudly and drinking beer   
You got pretty wasted   
I know what happened last time   
I sit in the bar drinking a margarita   
They are playing hopelessly devoted to you on the radio   
Since i heard it there that evening   
I have been playing it nonstop since then   
Cause it is a song that sums up my life situation pretty well


	21. April 05 2011

April 05 2011   
I was never attracted to Irene Adler   
Even if you thought so   
Both me and her are gay   
She understood me   
She was like a female version of me  
She was as clever and smart   
And she was admirable   
She was understanding   
She talked to me once after i saved her   
”I know how you feel for John”   
Of course she knew   
She told me about how she lived through the same hell as i did   
She said that it would get better   
She was sure that you felt the same for me   
That you felt maybe something   
Something that was stronger then friends   
I followed her to Germany   
Made sure that she was safe   
I never saw her again after that   
Even if i would have liked to talk to her again   
Just because she made me realize   
That it wont feel like this forever


	22. April 11th 2011

April 11 2011   
We have a new frustrating case   
I don’t know if i will solve it   
You what i do with nicotine patches and drugs   
But you don’t understand   
My life is like an endless headache   
It is endless pain but without painkillers   
I had never felt this before we met   
Before you turned my life upside down   
Just by walking into that lab   
”Afghanistan or Iraq ?”   
That is how it all began   
How all the adventures began   
These months we have been together are both the best and worst years in my life   
I have felt more alive then ever   
But i am dying   
Molly says i am starting to look sad   
She decided that we needed to go to a spa   
Everyone thinks that i am her boyfriend   
Molly just laughs a little and says   
”No sorry he is gay”   
Even if it pains her to say it   
I hope she will find a man worthy her love someday   
The spa was great   
But it didn’t relax my mind   
My mind is like a rocket preparing to shoot up in the sky   
I cant wait for a interesting case


	23. May 3 2011

May 3 2011   
You often bring your dates home   
I have many times heard you   
How you have sex upstairs   
I have done it with you   
But you don’t remember   
I often have an erection when i hear tour moans   
So i masturbate   
And imagine you and i   
I remember my first time   
It was with the french men Jean   
He promised to be gentle   
I was already naked   
Cause he liked to study me   
It had been pain at first   
I don’t know if we used lubricant   
I was totally conscious that time   
Cause i had been high all the other times   
He was big   
And i didn’t like the feel first   
Of how full i felt   
He liked it when he came into me   
He asked me if it felt okay   
He didn’t want to hurt his doll   
His swan   
”Non” i whispered   
I was sobbing   
It wasn’t how i had imagined at first   
But then he pulled himself out   
And gave me a blow job   
Just to make me satisfied   
He pushed himself in again   
Hitting my prostate over and over again   
And i screamed loudly as i came   
He told me how beautiful i was   
I look back at the memory with disgust   
I look back at my three years in Paris in big disgust   
He really used me   
He took pornographic photos   
And he taped us one time   
I was totally gone   
Wasted away on opium   
I hate Jean for it   
He broke me   
And now i am addicted to opium and smoking   
Fuck you Jean!


	24. May 18th 2011

May 18th 2011   
Molly has met someone   
His name is Jim   
He is probably gay   
I have never met him   
I hope he is gay   
Cause Molly never has time for me anymore   
You are going to Dublin the whole July   
You have asked me to come with you   
Your parents have heard of the infamous Sherlock Homes   
And they want to see who their little John has met   
I said yes   
It will be lovely to spend time with you in Dublin for a whole month   
We have been invited to the Holmes-Lestrade house on Friday   
I will ask Greg then if there is any case i have to solve in July   
I hope he says no   
Cause then i am all yours for a whole month   
I hope that London wont fall while i am away


	25. May 29th 2011

May 29th 2011  
The dinner was not what i hoped  
I only came their to get a good meal and gossip material for Molly  
Mycroft and Greg lives in a bigger house the the whole baker street.  
They have private cooks  
I told you that we need one  
You said no  
But they announced that they are adopting a baby  
You got shocked cause you choked on your wine  
I laughed nervously  
We both thought that they were joking  
But they weren’t  
I am happy for Mycroft  
After the dinner  
We were sitting in Baker street  
You were quiet drunk  
You and Greg had drinking competition  
I was pretty drunk too  
I know that i would regret what i did that night  
Cause you and me ended up on the couch making out  
Which then led to all our clothes magically disappearing  
And then you were inside me  
And it all felt too good  
I was crying in pleasure  
I think that Mrs hudson heard us  
Cause she was looking strangely at us the day after  
We were doing it with no condoms  
Just lubricant  
That happened to be there  
You pulled out just as you came  
Watching you come  
And getting all your cum over me  
Made me fall over the cliff  
And i came with you  
We were then panting after air  
You said something that sounded like  
I love you  
But i will never know  
You went into the shower  
My cum being washed down the stream  
There was no clues that it even happened the morning after  
And i don’t know if you remember


	26. June 1 2011

June 1 2011   
Every newspaper head line says   
Summer has finally began!   
It is only a month left until i will follow you to Dublin   
I am excited   
I promise i will make a good impression on your family   
I would have let you meet my parents   
If they were alive   
I have decided to quit smoking   
Molly and i are doing it together   
I will also stop using nicotine patches   
Just to be more with you   
I want to be all yours   
Forever   
Molly is going on a vacation   
Without this Jim guy   
She is going to greece   
She told me that if she meets a hot gay man   
She will bring him home for me   
Molly said that she would miss her best gay   
But she is going in July   
The same month that i will be away   
I will miss her


	27. June 12th 2011

June 12th 2011   
Molly and i usually watch tv shows when we are together   
She has gotten me addicted to this american show called Glee   
I really enjoy it and it makes me all happy   
She told me that you could ship people   
I ship Klaine   
But i have to say that my favorite characters is Santana and Kurt   
Molly laughed over the fact that they were the two people i was most like   
It is only two seasons out now   
Molly and i cant wait until season 3   
She told me that this show was better then therapy   
And yes it is   
Even if i hated my time in high school   
When i was bullied   
Because i was different   
And i could easily deduce who shagged who   
It was because of that reason that i escaped England   
And moved to France   
I was afraid   
So i ran away   
I thought i lived in hell   
But i didn’t   
The only positive thing from those years away   
Was my violin   
I got my violin from him   
It was beautiful   
A real beauty   
He told me that it was a gift   
For me being good to him   
I shake of the memory of myself   
I am here now   
I am safe


	28. June 21 2011

June 21 2011   
Our trip to Dublin is approaching faster then i expected   
We are taking a plane   
It was long since i did that   
I have been so focused on other things these past months   
You have been taking a month of work at the hospital   
And i have told Lestrade that i wont be in London to help him   
My homeless network have been noticing signs of that my arch enemy is back   
I don’t want to worry about him right now   
Cause Morarity isn’t my biggest problem right now.   
We were at Tesco a few days back   
I usually doesn’t come with you   
But i do know   
Cause i like to be near you  
You have been working so much on the hospital these past month   
I have missed you   
”We are only buying food that will be eaten before we leave for Dublin” you said   
I am looking for things to do experiments with   
Last time i did a experiment   
It was with a pigs bladder   
It exploded all over the kitchen   
You weren’t happy about it   
But you could deal with it   
You helped me get it out of my hair   
So you bathed me   
You have seen me naked many times before   
But i notice how you are staring at my naked body   
You see your therapist Ella at Tesco   
You hide behind me   
I ask why   
And you say that you don’t want her to ask about your psychic health   
So we hide behind a stack of biscuits   
When she is nearing us i go to her  
And i take John with me   
”Hello i am John Watsons boyfriend” i say.   
She knows who i am talking about   
She looks at me strangely when i say Boyfriend   
John is giggling so much   
You could almost think that he was killing a owl   
Ella looked at me and gave a disgusted smile   
And went away   
John and i went out of Tesco laughing   
He is my best friend   
Sadly not my boyfriend


	29. July 8th 2011

July 8th 2011   
Your parents are lovely   
They are so proud of you   
I really don’t know what to say about   
How happy they got when i walked into the room   
”Oh John is this your boyfriend?” they asked   
You went furious and did the i am not gay speech again   
The one we have heard a 100 times   
But it is only what you believe   
Cause you had sex with me!   
Your mother cooks the most delicious food   
She cooked beef with a really good sauce   
I feel so happy here   
They only had one guest room   
So we have to share a bed   
But before you said anything   
I told them that it would be great   
I already miss Molly   
I see how happy you are out here   
Maybe   
When we turn old and gray   
We could move here   
You could tell everyone about our adventures   
We could have a bee farm   
I always loved bees   
But i love London too   
But that depends on   
If you will still be with me   
Cause you will probably be taken   
By a woman   
And i will die alone


	30. August 6 2011

August 6 2011  
Everything was great  
I was happy  
You were happy  
We were having a great time in Dublin  
As any normal flatmates maybe boyfriends would  
But August  
And reality  
Approached faster then i wanted it to  
The reality i both loved and hated  
With fierce passion came  
And we had to go home  
Our visit in Dublin was as a painkiller  
I was distracted at all times  
You had walked with me to the woods  
Just so i could take samples of the dirt  
You were so kind at times  
That i almost didn’t believe it  
How could i have gotten such a great flatmate ?  
I was almost floating on a sun  
Over pink cotton candy clouds  
Everyday  
But when we went back to reality  
When we stood in the flat again  
And reality hit me like a bus  
It almost brought me to tears  
”Do you want tea Sherlock ?” you asked  
I answered a brief yes  
I know that your parents loved me  
Your mother had talked to me alone once  
”I always knew that my son was bisexual”  
Yes that is what i also had deduced  
”If there is any man or woman i want him to marry...that would be you”  
I still remember our conversation in my head  
Cause it had made me so happy  
”Cause it is obvious how much you love each other”  
Listen to your mom John  
Mothers are always right


	31. August 11 2011

August 11 2011   
We hadn’t missed so much in London   
Molly was angry over that no greek boy was interested in her   
So she was back with this Jim dude again   
Mycroft and Greg had soon gone through with their adoption   
But Morarity had showed signs again of that he was back.   
I didn’t tell you anything   
I didn’t want to hurt you   
Cause we both remember what happened the last time   
He put a bomb on your chest   
I had never been so terrified   
I was so terrified   
Your nightmares started again after that   
I slept in your bed   
Just to make sure that you were alright   
We both weren’t emotionally stabile   
I am not stabile still   
Even if it was over a year since he almost killed both of us   
I would go every distance just to save you   
I would even die for you   
I know that you would do the same   
You have killed people   
Just to save me   
I don’t know if i am flattered or terrified   
But war is coming   
Not a world war   
But a war between me and my arch enemy


	32. August 20 2011

August 20 2011   
I spent almost the whole day in Mycroft’s office   
He tried to make me understand   
That Morarity will want to kill me   
He will want to end this long feud   
The final problem   
I know that i will die   
I have wanted to day many times   
But not now   
You and i are closer then ever   
You look at me with big anticipation   
I want to kiss you   
I have kissed you   
You adore me   
You started adoring me from the moment we met   
At st barts   
I started loving you in that moment   
”Afghanistan or Iraq ?”   
Was that my best pickup line ?   
I remember later on   
When we sat at Angelos   
Waiting for our criminal to show up   
That talk when you asked me if i had someone   
Someone who loved me   
That was almost a giveaway that you were interested   
I almost wanted to punch myself when i said that i was married to my work   
How could i have been so stupid   
I love you John   
How was i so stupid ?


	33. September 9th 2011

September 9th 2011  
You may never know this  
That i can drive a motorcycle  
I learned that when i was 16  
It helped me to come to London easier  
Cause i haven’t always lived in London  
I liked to feel the wind against my skin  
But i haven’t driven a motorcycle in years and days  
It was my thrill and adrenaline  
Mycroft didn’t like that i drove the motorcycle  
He called it risking your life at every corner  
But that is true  
But what i am doing now  
Isn’t that more scary and dangerous  
I have put drugs into my body  
I still have the marks after the syringes  
I have some fresh ones to  
It was only a little dose of opium  
I am sorry  
Please dont be mad at me  
But we are going into the dark side of the story  
I understand if you wont like me anymore after i this  
I will understand


	34. September 19th 2011

September 19th 2011   
Things is turning darker in my world   
Mycroft has come up with a plan   
Lazarus is the word   
I am so angry   
I am angry and upset   
You and Molly are looking after me   
But i am flown up at my usual place   
I have empty syringes next to me   
My arm feels itchy   
I miss my violin   
It is still at baker street   
I couldn’t take it with me   
I will be back soon   
When i am not angry anymore   
Mycroft used to be a loving brother   
Even if i often didn’t say it   
But he was the best brother in the world   
It is thanks of him that i can do such amazing deductions   
He learned me well   
But this plan is just cruel   
How will i ever go through it without hurting you ?


	35. September 25th 2011

September 25 2011   
My dad was my hero   
Mycroft was always a mamas boy   
He preferred our mother   
But i loved my dad   
He was a great scientist that worked at Baskerville   
That is why it went as it went when i solved the case   
But he got himself too deep into information about the H.O.U.N.D Indiana project   
They murdered him   
Just the same way that they killed our client Henrys dad  
I used to watch my dads experiments   
He learned me everything about science that i know   
Mycroft suggested that we should get a dog for me when dad died   
He noticed how sad i was   
But i tried to shut of my feelings   
When we got a puppy   
That later on would be called Redbeard   
I was so happy   
I did everything with that dog   
Later on   
When Mummy decided that Redbeard was too old   
She put him down   
And that is when i started hating her   
I never forgave her for that   
Mycroft and i was once at a second hand   
I was 15   
I found this expensive coat and a blue scarf   
It was too long for me   
But i bought it   
I befriended a skull called Billy   
That had lived in our family library   
I still have those things with me   
My armor


	36. October 15th 2011

October 15 2011   
Morarity is back   
He has broken into   
Towern   
Pentonville prison   
And Bank of England   
You are worried for me   
The trial is tomorrow   
Only if he would be put behind bars   
Then i wouldn’t have to go through with this plan   
You and i sat in our chairs   
We drank tea   
I stared into the fireplace   
You looked with big worried eyes at me   
”I am worried for you Sherlock”   
I looked at you in confusion   
I understand that you are worried   
You and Lestrade found me on a rooftop crying   
With opium in my blood   
”You shouldn’t be” i told you   
Cause otherwise you could have put a little worry in the past two years   
You have cause me a lot of pain John Watson   
You put your cup down and leaned over at me   
We kissed   
It was just brief   
But it relaxed me   
Why wouldn’t it ?   
You pulled away   
This was gentle   
This was how i wanted our first kiss to be   
”Sorry i just felt like i had to” you said   
And oh yes   
You have to take the chances you get   
Cause i wont be here much longer


	37. October 17th 2011

October 17th 2011   
Morarity is walking free   
I am so sorry   
Morarity paid me a visit   
I wont tell you about it   
You will worry too much and overreact   
I can work this out   
I broke into your laptop when you were at tesco   
I found a long blog post   
You had written it but never posted it   
I read it   
It was about that you were worried for me   
At the end of the text you had written   
I love him   
I felt like a sun   
But my sun flew into clouds   
When Mycrofts plan hit me   
Why could he be all happy ?   
Mycroft and Greg would get their baby daughter soon   
Why would they get to be a family   
And not me   
I cried a little   
I laid at my usual sulking spot when you came home   
”I have bough the milk that you didn’t buy” you said  
I muttered something   
”I am lactose intolerant!” I snapped  
You looked shocked   
”Well that explains why we have been out of milk for the past week”   
You put the milk in the fridge   
You then sat down at the sofa   
”It will be alright-we will win over Morarity”   
Only if it was so easy


	38. October 28th 2011

October 28th 2011  
You have started a happy campaign   
You think i am depressed   
So you have started doing fun things with me   
We went to the movies yesterday   
We watched the movie Thor   
I liked Loki the best   
You liked Thor   
I tried to explain afterwards that Loki was a very misunderstood character   
You told me that Thor had abs   
I said ”You know you only sound gay when you say that”   
Your eyes went wide with realization   
It was one of the best nights in my life   
We went home and ordered chinese afterwards   
I was sad cause i knew that this was the last time with you   
For god knows how long   
You are sleeping now   
You snore a little   
But i wont say that to you   
You look like a little puppy when you sleep   
It is early but i cant sleep   
The pain has gone to a level where it almost isn’t felt   
I am happy for that   
Cause i want to be with you as much as i can   
These last months   
I cry a silent tear   
We only have a few months left


	39. November 12th 2011

November 12th 2011   
It was a long time since i visited Molly   
I invited her over   
We discussed boys and gossiped   
I told her about the Lestrade - Holmes baby   
She told me that she loved babies   
That is why she always wanted to be a mother   
She said that she had broke up with Jim   
She said that he was terrible in bed and that he asked about me all the time   
I didn’t catch it at first   
But i asked her ”How did he ask you about me ?”   
She laughed a little   
Just to joke it away   
Break the seriousness that had grown in the room   
”Oh he just asked which cases you were working on-and i showed him your website and Johns blog”   
I sat up and searched for my phone   
This was serious   
I feel so stupid that i hadn’t noticed anything   
”I am sorry Molly i have to call someone”   
The fear i had   
For Mycroft’s plan   
Over how we would be able to finally get rid of Morarity   
Was stronger then ever now   
I wish Morarity never existed   
Cause he will force me to leave and hurt you   
At the worst way possible


	40. November 27th 2011

November 27 2011   
20 reasons why i love you   
1\. Your Jumpers   
2\. Your nose   
3\. Your eyes   
4\. How you correct me when i say something wrong   
5\. How you always forgive me   
6\. How you kiss me   
7\. How you always are there when i feel bad   
8\. How you kill people to save me   
9\. How you never stop believing in me   
10\. How you make me tea in the morning   
11\. How you compliment me on my deductions   
12\. How you think i am beautiful   
13\. The fact that you keep a blog about me   
14\. Your tea addiction   
15\. How you always defend me   
16\. How you seem to leave every woman you date for me   
17\. How you have tried to cheer me up this past month   
18\. How you always surprise me   
19\. How you make me feel loved   
20\. How you make me feel inside


	41. December 18th 2011

December 18 2011   
Things are getting together   
Mycroft and Greg was here with their baby girl   
Her name is Samantha Holmes   
She is adorable   
You loved to spend time with her   
You would make a great daughter   
Only if i had more time   
Until i had to go   
Mycroft then took me to visit our parents grave   
”So how do you feel about this brother dear?”   
How do he think i feel ?   
Anger   
Pain   
Sadness   
I answered with a short   
”How do you think i feel?”   
Cause i had to give up my whole life   
It was almost turning perfect now   
I had to give it all up just to save the world   
”I have started to inform the people that will help you”   
I nodded  
Molly was one of them   
She had to know   
Cause she was my best friend   
And she would play an important role in the end   
”He wont see it coming” i said  
Mycroft knew who i was talking about   
Our dad had used the mind palace method before me   
I had created mine after he got killed   
I felt for crying   
I had been crying a lot lately   
Only when you didn’t see   
Cause i wasn’t allowed to let you know   
Cause then what was the point with it all ?


	42. December 25th 2011

December 25th 2011   
It is maybe my last christmas with you   
We invited everyone in our group of friends   
Molly looked extra sad   
Cause she knew   
She knew   
And she couldn’t stop the pain   
That would tear John Watson apart   
Mrs Hudson had made an whole feast   
She didn’t know either   
The plan would hurt her so much  
But not as much as it would hurt you   
I had baked again   
A red christmas cake with sprinkles at the top   
Everyone loved it   
When everyone had went   
You asked me   
”Why was Molly so sad?”   
You were always smart   
You weren’t as stupid as Mycroft thought  
”Oh she have just broken up with her boyfriend” i lied   
I was a good liar   
And you didn’t ask any more questions   
I was happy for that   
I wanted to let you know so much   
That i wouldn’t be gone   
forever   
I sat by the fire   
You came and and sat next to me   
Our lips met   
And we made love by the fireplace


	43. January 1 2012

January 1 2012  
The last time you had me under you   
The last time our naked skin touched each other   
The last time we had sex   
Was new years eve   
It was all just a week before hell broke loose   
And Lazarus would be go   
We had been at a new years party in the Lestrade - Holmes house   
Both you and me had gotten drunk   
We had so fun   
You kissed me at 00:00   
We went home to baker street and did it all night   
Mrs Hudson probably heard us   
But screw that!   
Cause this was the last good day we would have   
The last good day before i would fall


	44. January 7th 2012

January 7th 2012   
This is the last time i will ever write in this notebook   
I want to say a proper goodbye   
You have just been storming away to the fake call Mycroft fixed   
I have to say goodbye in a proper way   
Cause soon i will go up to that roof   
And i wont be able to give you a real goodbye   
I am so sorry John for the pain that i caused you   
And the pain this will give you   
I have told the nurse Mary to meet with you when you are ready   
Cause i will let you grief first   
I have told Molly to leave this notebook somewhere in the flat where you will find it   
Cause you need to hear the story from me   
And no one else   
I hope that you always know and understand now   
That i loved you with my whole heart   
And even if you gave me deep pain   
I still loved you   
I will never know how you felt   
Over this time   
I understand if you don’t love me after this   
I will always understand   
That is why i have told Mary to let you love her   
Cause you deserve someone like her   
And not me   
I love you John


	45. Epilogue

John closes the notebook   
He has tears streaming down his eyes   
It is two years since he died   
And now   
After reading the true story   
He feels like a fool   
How could he never have understood this ?   
He remember all the sex   
But how couldn’t he have understood   
That this is how his flatmate felt all along   
And he did this   
Even if it pained him to do it   
Cause it all makes sense now   
When he know the whole truth   
But he cant stop crying   
He never will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who have read this fanfic. I am overwhelmed over the huge response that this fic has gotten. I have spent many hours writing this. Just because i wanted it finished today. I am sorry for all the pain and feels that this has caused you. But you have to admit that this was a good read! I know that this has a *gasp* ending. But i saw that it was the right way to end it. Cause how can you end a fic like this. That is about the tragic life of our baby Sherlock Holmes. But i feel so proud that i have finished this! Thank you all so much for reading this!


End file.
